Category Archives: Cultural

HOW TO LIVE A DOUBLE LIFE ONLINE WITHOUT GET CAUGHT

Simone Smith,

Contributor Digital Identity Researcher

How to Lead a Double Life Online and Not Get Caught

Simone Smith

Updated Sep 30, 2013 The Internet allows us to form new identities and express controversial ideas without fear of personal reprisal. It allows us to explore interests that would be misunderstood by friends and family and discuss experiences that may damage our career.

There are many reasons to want to create a pseudonymous identity online. You may have undergone a traumatic experience you don’t feel comfortable talking about in public. You may be the head of a stuffy art museum, but love writing Doctor Who fan-fiction. You may want to write a scandalous tell-all blog. Or you may be a rabid democrat living in an extremely-conservative small town. You may just find it liberating to be freed from the biases society holds against your offline life or background.

How to Browse Without Being Tracked
There are many ways your online identity is tracked. For example, websites use cookies to track your activity and record your IP address. To prevent a covert online identity from being associated with your offline identity, you will need to change both your online habits and the tools you use to browse the web.

The first step is to begin using Tor. Tor is a free browser that obscures your IP address by using onion proxy software that provides multi-layer encryption. While not tied to you, personally, your IP address is associated with your individual computer, hence a skilled individual may use your IP address to discover your offline identity. This is why it is important to not rely on services like Chrome’s incognito mode to attempt to live your double life online; while it will prevent websites from storing things on your computer, it will not hide your IP address.

To download the Tor Browser Bundle, which includes everything you need to browse the net anonymously, visit Tor’s website and follow their instructions (also read up on using Tor properly- there are some things you can do using Tor that might still reveal your identity if you are not careful). You should use Tor Browser for all of your secret online activities. It may run a bit slower (as your interactions with other sites are bounced through at least three relays), but it is better to be safe and slow than speedy and sorry.

Use Tor for regular activities as well. This mitigates risk associated with others noticing your browser choice. When questioned about Tor, simply say you use Tor Browser because of concerns about privacy, which have been exacerbated because of this year’s revelations about the NSA.

How to Lay the Foundation of Your Double Life
Most online accounts require an email address. It should go without saying that you should not be using your personal email address when doing anything related to your pseudonymous identity. Instead, you should create a separate email that has no connection to your normal identity and is only used in connection to your covert activities.

I recommend using a free service such as Hushmail, Gmail, or Riseup.net to create this account rather than Yahoo or Hotmail, as the latter options include the IP address of the computer used to send a particular message. While this matters less when you are using Tor, you may still find yourself in a situation in which you need to check that account without the browser’s protection, hence more secretive email providers are better.

Tips on Developing Sound and Secretive Habits
With Tor Browser and a designated email account, you are free to live out your double life- so long as you do so carefully.

Never ever use a work computer for secretive activities. I don’t care how encrypted your work communications are. Company-owned computers are not to be trusted. Keylogging software, which will make all of your careful precautions amount to nothing, is only one of many potential complications.

Avoid using mobile devices. They can be lost. They can be stolen. Strangers (or worse yet, friends, family, and colleagues) can more easily look over your shoulder or snatch your device out of your hands. If you must conduct some of your double life through a mobile device, make sure it is password protected, only use it in private spaces, and bolster it with additional privacy protections, which, for the sake of brevity, I recommend you find independently.

If your double life involves posting content (e.g. blog posts about your secret ventures as an undercover nun), schedule your posts (many blogging platforms offer this functionality) so that they are published at random intervals that cannot be associated with a specific time zone or lifestyle. Do not tag photos, posts, or tweets with your location.

Important Identifying Information to Hide
Obvious information that might be used to determine who you are (eg. your name or the names of people in your life, your personal email address, identifying photos. etc.) is but a small factor to consider. Most secret identities are discovered by those who use more subtle hints to piece together your personal puzzle.

Don’t give away hints by even letting your pseudonym resemble your real name. If your name is John Doe, your online handle should be entirely different, like Shane Kugel (and not J.D. or Shawn Moe). Be extremely careful about mentioning employers in a manner that would enable the casual viewer to narrow your real employer down to a couple of candidates (e.g. “I work for a pet grooming salon in San Francisco, California”). Also be mindful with regard to any habits, sayings, or possessions you might mention (e.g. a storm trooper figurine kept at your desk) that could be identified by those who know you in real life.

If you maintain a website, make your WHOIS information private. If you do not, everything from your name to your email, phone number, and address may show up in WHOIS queries (just search for your friends’ domains to get an idea of the information that might be revealed). Subscribe to The Morning Email. Wake up to the day’s most important news.

Should you be involved in commerce, opt for trades whenever possible. Gift cards might be a convenient form of currency, so long as you keep the value of transactions below $500. Generally speaking, money is difficult to keep anonymous online- even when Bitcoin is used.

The Importance Leaving No Trace
Whenever you finish a session of secretive internet activity, your computer should be devoid of damning information. While it helps that you are using Tor, it is also important that you delete any files from your computer related to your pseudonymous identity (e.g. drafts of blog posts, photos, etc.) before you get up and walk away.

You never know who might poke around your desktop when you aren’t looking, and you would be surprised by how many friends and family members know the passwords to their loved ones’ machines.

Good Luck!
This brief guide is an introduction, not a comprehensive playbook. Its recommended tactics will help you avoid major mistakes and may accommodate “harmless” double lives, but if you are involved in some serious whistle blowing activity, fighting against a totalitarian government, or are threatening to take down a beloved member of 4Chan, you’re playing an entirely different ballgame.

CAN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP REALLY WORK?

Relationship Advice, Relationship Problems, Relationships, Sexuality

By Psych Alive

open relationship

Research tells us that about 4 to 5 percent of heterosexual couples have agreed to have an open relationship. In other words, they’ve given their consent to not be monogamous. That may seem like a relatively small and, given the stigma surrounding open relationships, unsurprising number. Yet, take this into consideration. The latest data from the National Opinion Research Center’s General Social Survey revealed that more than 20 percent of married men and nearly 15 percent of married women admit to infidelity, a number that’s risen almost 40 percent for women in the past 20 years. Remember, these are only admitted affairs. Some studies even posit that between 30 and 60 percent of married individuals in the United States will engage in adultery at some point in their marriage. So, while only 4 to 5 percent of men and women are choosing to be open about their extramarital relations, somewhere between 15 and 60 percent are opting for a less consensual form of infidelity.

What does this tell us about our society? One, a pretty significant percentage of the population is clearly drawn to non-monogamous relationships, yet a much smaller percent is willing to call it like it is. For the people who choose to engage in affairs, is it more honorable to come to an agreement with their partner or to sneak around and deceive? Can an open relationship actually work? How can two people, alone in their romantic union, find common ground on this society tricky and taboo subject?

For any relationship to work, there are certain fundamental qualities to be aware of. In an open relationship, in which a couple chooses not to hide or to allow infidelity, it is all the more important to encourage honest communication and healthy ways of handling emotions like jealousy, victimization or a desire to control. Whether you’re interested in a monogamous or open relationship, here are some of the elements you’ll want to avoid if you want to keep things close, consistent and exciting between you and your partner.

Dishonesty – According to psychologist and co-author of Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships, Lisa Firestone, “When it comes to their intimate relationships, couples can make any decision they want about monogamy, as long as this decision is mutually agreed upon by both partners… Many couples have made exceptions to sexual fidelity or are taking alternative approaches to their sexual freedom. Yet, no matter what the agreement is, there is one fundamental quality that, if compromised, can destroy a relationship: honesty.”

There is often considerable devastation when an affair is discovered, and it seems the lying aspect of the scenario has a lot to do with the pain that ensues. In her blog, “What’s Wrong with Infidelity?” Dr. Firestone went on to cite research that has shown unfaithful individuals are less likely to practice safe sex than people in open relationships. This act of deception thus poses both a physical and emotional threat to their partner. “Whatever their decision is regarding monogamy, if two people want their relationship to stay strong, they must strive to be open and truthful and to ensure their actions always match their words,” said Dr. Firestone. To paraphrase, an open relationship without honesty is a recipe for disaster. Any deception is likely to lead to the same feelings of hurt and distrust that arise in unexpected discoveries of infidelity.

We may not be able to control our attractions, but we can control how we behave. Even if these attractions escalate into a real interest, we can make a commitment to talk to our partner about our feelings before we act on them. In this sense, being open with our partner and encouraging them to be open with us will inspire an atmosphere of honesty that may help us to better deal with feelings of jealousy or paranoia.

Jealousy – Jealousy is a natural human emotion. Yet, the way we use it can be very destructive. “Lurking behind the paranoia toward our partners or the criticisms toward a perceived third-party threat, are often critical thoughts toward ourselves,” said Firestone. She describes how a person’s “critical inner voice” can flood his or her mind with harmful suspicions and accusations that fuel feelings of jealousy. She frequently finds that what people are telling themselves about what’s going on with their partner is often a lot worse than what is actually going on. For example, a person may think, “She is totally checking out that guy. She’s losing interest in me. She’s going to have an affair. You should just get out before she hurts you.”

Your inner critic will also use your partner’s perceived attractions against you. “Thoughts like, “What does he see in her?” can quickly turn into “She is so much prettier/thinner/more successful than me,” said Dr. Firestone. “Even when our worst fears materialize and we learn of a partner’s affair, we frequently react by directing anger at ourselves for being “foolish, unlovable, ruined or unwanted.”

These shaming attitudes toward ourselves and our partner can breed an environment of distrust. If a healthy relationship must be built on honesty and trust, then jealousy has to be kept in check. The first way to do this is to own our emotions and deal with our inner critic rather than allowing it to poison our relationship. We should work hard to be vulnerable and open to our partner, to offer them our trust and support of their independence and individuality. This doesn’t mean we have to agree to an open relationship. It just means working on having open communication and trying not to allow our inner critic to overtake us and drive our behavior.

Whether or not we attempt to impose restrictions on our partner, we live in a world full of risks. We can never claim ownership over another human being or their sexuality, nor can they own ours. There is always a chance he or she will develop feelings for someone else. The best thing we can do is feel secure and strong in ourselves and know that we can handle a lot more than we think can.

Fear – When people think of the fears that arise in a relationship, they usually think of their fear of losing their partner. However, there is an underlying fear of intimacy that has an insidious effect on people being able to pursue a relationship to the fullest of their ability. They find it difficult to let things get too close or to tolerate loving feelings directed toward them. What makes this even more complicated is the fact that this fear can sit below the surface, so it isn’t entirely conscious. Instead of thinking, “I’m too scared of being in love to be in this relationship,” we will have thoughts like, “He is just way too into me. I can’t make this kind of commitment right now. One of us will just wind up getting hurt.” As things get closer in a relationship, we may have the tendency to pull away from someone who is actually giving us what we always thought we wanted.

It is very common to have these reactions to intimacy, yet so many people feel they’re alone in this. We often fail to recognize these feelings as fears and instead assume that they are rational reasons to split up with our partner, take a break or find someone else. The trouble is the same issues are likely to arise in any relationship we find, because these fears reside within us. Until we deal with them in ourselves, they’re likely to creep up at some point in our relationship.

If you’re interested in an open relationship, you may want to ask yourself certain questions, like “Am I simply interested in sexual freedom or am I pulling away from closeness with my current partner?” “Is there something missing from my current relationship that I’m not dealing with?”

No matter what type of relationship you’re in, to be close to anyone, you’ll have to get to know and challenge your own resistance and fears. These fears often come from old feelings of hurt, rejection or loss. They may be keeping you from finding and maintaining the love you say you want. They may even be blocking your feelings of wanting love in the first place, filling your head with thoughts like, “Relationships are stupid and unnatural. People just wind up miserable, putting each other in chains.” Be wary of these cynical thoughts toward love, because they often mask much deeper fears.

Whatever a couple decides to do, whether insisting on monogamy or making certain exceptions, that is for them alone to decide. What matters is that once they’ve decided and agreed upon the terms of their relationship, they must stand by these decisions. In doing so, they offer their partner and themselves a certain degree of trust, freedom and respect as the separate individuals they are. When two people recognize each other’s individuality, they’re able to avoid falling into a “fantasy bond,” an illusion of connection that replaces real love and sabotages exciting relationships. They’re able to maintain their attractions to each other and to keep the spark alive, so to speak.

To avoid a fantasy bond and other traps that doom any relationship, all couples should strive to be honest with each other, to deal with their jealous feelings in healthy ways and to challenge their deeply rooted fears of intimacy. By making this their focus, they are far better able to sustain richer, more rewarding relationships. From this foundation, they are much better equipped to have open, honest and mature discussions about attractions and monogamy and are much less likely to engage in deception and secret infidelity.

83 SEX TACTICS FOR BETTER SEX LIFE

1. Masturbated every morning for a month

This will keep your genitals in good condition and your body will be stimulated to produce hormones needed for libido. Also private part muscles are exercising and in continued development.

2. Dry hump more.

Dry humping might be thought of as an awkward teen activity from ye olde high school days, but as one writer found, dry humping as an adult actually slaps (or rather, grinds?). The stimulation is on point, it’s not too direct in case you have an overly sensitive clitoris, and the hotness of keeping your clothes on and still pawing at each other is a mental turn-on too.

3. Try a cock ring.

If your partner has a penis, a penis or cock ring can really rev up something that’s already good. By restricting blood flow to the penis, the ring makes their erection harder and stronger (also helpful if they have issues finishing too early or staying hard). And of course, there are tons of vibrating cock rings out there that may make orgasming for you way easier too. It’s a win-win.

4. Pay more attention to your aftercare routine

Aftercare” is a common BDSM thing, where each partner takes time to check in with each other and care for one another after sex. It’s especially important in BDSM where intense scenes might have each person experimenting with different dynamics that don’t reflect how each person actually thinks of their partner. But that doesn’t mean you can’t also have aftercare worked into vanilla sex. Take time to check in with your partner afterwards and cuddle, give, or get a glass of water, and re-affirm your care for one another.

5. Watch a sexy show together.

Turn on Witcher or Outlander and let the steamy scenes influence how you spend your night.

6. Try a sex game.

You don’t necessarily need to buy one either. There are plenty of sex games you can play with a partner that’ll turn you both on that don’t require a board or separate card deck. Just two willing participants down to have a very good time.

7. Try a nipple clamp.

They’re cheap, don’t take up a lot of space, and nipple clamps can be just as pleasurable with or without a partner.

8. Invest in some secret BDSM jewelry

There’s luxury and then there’s luxury. If you’re just bored of spending money on the usual, ball out and get some bougie bondage jewelry, like this fahhhncy Kiki de Montparnasse handcuff set that looks, to the average person, like a very chic bracelet. It’ll be your little secret.

9. Try a remote control vibrator

Whether you’re handing the reins to your partner to drive or just over fiddling with the buttons on your vibrator right as you’re about to reach peak, remote controlled vibes are everywhere nowadays and make masturbation way easier. You’ll wonder how you ever lived without one once you try it out.

10. Try kneeling beside your partner during oral, instead of in front of them.

If you typically kneel in front of your partner during a blow job, try kneeling beside them. Not only will you give them a great view of your ass, you also might find it more comfortable and easier for you (or them) to stimulate your clit while you’re giving it to him.

11. Try sacral massage

If you’re going to experiment with anal, anal foreplay is a must. Try giving or receiving a sacral massage, aka massaging the area just above the butt crack for 15-20 minutes. It’ll help release tension and loosen the whole area up.

12. Don’t be afraid to initiate!

If your partner is usually the one who intiates sex, switch things up by showing them just how much they turn you on and flip the switch so you start things off first. Everyone loves feeling like their partner just can’t resist them

13. Lean into your sexual tension.

Just because you’ve been with your partner forever doesn’t mean you still can’t get butterflies for them. Refrain from jumping their bones at first sight like you normally do, and let the sexual tension build up so you can have an even more cathartic orgasm.

14. Add CBD into the mix.

There are plenty of CBD products out there for everything, and sex is no exception. Pick your poison of whatever CBD lube or arousal gel of your choice and get to town feeling all loosey-goosey (minus the paranoia that comes with THC).

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15. Make hand jobs the main event.

Sex is so much more than just penetrative sex, and backing away and focusing on foreplay with the same intensity as you do PIV sex can zuzh some hotness into your routine.

16. Do your errands normally, only with Ben Wa balls inside you.

Ben Wa balls, or kegel balls, are little weighted balls that you can insert into your vagina for added sensation. Pop a pair in, and go about your normal routine. The extra attention you’ll be paying to each roll and wiggle of your hips will turn you on all day.

17. Forgive and forget with some super-sultry makeup sex.

All couples fight (it’s a part of a healthy relationship to have disagreements) but what better way to get into each other’s good graces again than with some vulnerable, tender makeup sex? If that’s not your vibe, there’s also must-have-you-now standing sex against a wall for an added layer of urgency. Either way, there’s a sexy way to move on after a fight.

18. Get some cheap accessories to make shower sex all the better.

Shower sex might be steamy and sexy in the movies, but IRL, it’s often not. If your mind is worrying about whether or not you’re going to slip or you’re starting to feel cold because the water ain’t on you at that moment, you can’t really enjoy yourself to maximum capacity! Thankfully, there are easy (and mostly cheap!) solutions that can make shower sex way more enjoyable.

19. Heat things up with some at-home gym equipment.

Don’t worry, you don’t need your actual gym’s super-expensive rowing machine to make any of these work. Try hanging from a pull-up bar while your partner lifts you up onto their hips for a sex position that’ll give missionary a break from the ol’ rotation.

20. Use a Tenga Egg for a quick, modified blow job sleeve.

The eggs are hella cute (literally they just look like little Easter eggs) and compact so you can bring one to your boo’s house without worrying that 65% of your overnight bag is just one toy. Snip the top so that there’s openings at both the bottom (it comes with one there) and top, and use that with a squidge of lube for a truly out-of-this-world blowjob experience that also takes a lot of the effort out of it for you.

21. Have your partner try the Kivin method.

This oral sex technique for those pleasuring a woman has the giver approach you from the side, rather than face-on. Annabelle Knight, sex expert at Lovehoney, explains that instead of licking up and down your vulva, your partner should lick side to side and straight across the clitoral hood for an orgasmic feeling.

22. Get on top.

Woman on top provides easier access to your vulva and clitoris than in other positions. Add a vibrator into the mix for even more pleasure.

23. Make a masturbation playlist.

Taking time to focus on your own pleasure and indulging in your ~me time~ is not only fun, it can make sex with a partner better too because you’re learning more about your own body. There’s really no easier way to figure out what you like in bed than by trying

24. Use lube.

Seriously, enough with the stigma that lube is for dried-up older women. You’re not winning extra points by not using it and having sex that could be so much more glidey and enjoyable for both partners. Start with a dime-sized amount, put it on you and your partner’s genitals, and reapply as needed.

25. Ramp up your desire all day by engaging in some light sexting at work.

Foreplay doesn’t just have to be in person. If you’ve got a date later that night, try sending a few flirty or suggestive texts your partner’s way to ensure they’re thinking about you all day.

26. Try the Amazon sex position.

Or any wild sex position. Sex is just as mental as it is physical, and trying out adventurous and empowering novelty positions can do way more for you than you’d think.

27. Don’t be afraid to spread your labia.

Ensure that your partner has easy access to your clitoris by really getting in there and setting up the scene for them. Sure, light vulva licking is great, but why waste time and risk your partner getting lost down there?

28. Try a vibrator with sonic waves.

Your clitoris is like an iceberg. The part that you can see is only a small portion of it. There are nerve endings underneath the visible part that you can’t see or touch. Using a vibrator with sonic pulses (like a loud, booming speaker that shakes your whole body at a club) can help target these nerves and put you in ~touch~ with the otherwise unexplored parts of your clit.

29. Ditch the eye contact in reverse cowgirl.

While sex face-to-face certainly has its moments, change it up by getting on top and facing away from your partner. From here, you have total freedom to make whatever O-face you want, and you can put on a show for them at the same time with your bouncing butt. You contain multitudes.

30. Work on your non-sexual touch.

While this tip is more about putting in work while you’re not having sex, it can totally lead to an overall better sex life. Don’t reserve touching for only when you’re naked. Find a way to work in hair stroking, back rubs, hand holding, anything PG that encourages you and your partner to show physical affection for one another. You’ll learn about each others’ bodies in a way that’s so much deeper than just sex.

31. Zone in on the upper left-hand quadrant of your clitoris.

Megan Andelloux, executive director at the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health, says many women find this is the most receptive part of their clit.

32. Try a sex game where you trade off.

Rachel Wright, a licensed psychotherapist, sex therapist, and sex educator, suggests “stop and start.” You set a timer on your phone for four minutes, where you have that amount of time to do anything to your partner (ranging from kissing to intercourse). Once the time’s up, you switch places and the giver becomes the receiver, and vice versa. This is great for putting an emphasis.

33. Do it in front of a mirror.

Doggie style intercourse in front of a full-length mirror allows you one of the best seats in the house. You can lock eyes tenderly in the mirror or go at it with carnal thrusting, all while checking each other out at the same time. Nice.

34. Get a pair of nipple clamps.

Nipple clamps are great because they can provide hands-free stimulation during sex. Slap a pair on and your hands are free to still touch yourself during foreplay or sex. You can adjust the intensity throughout too, getting tighter or looser as you approach

35. Prioritize oral sex.

Have a few nights where the main focus isn’t penetrative sex, but just you receiving oral sex. Communicate with your partner so you can both discover what works best for you in terms of giving and receiving. And when we say a few nights, we mean a few nights. Expecting to cram life-changing oral into your lives via one night puts way too much pressure on both of you.

36. Real talk: Roughly 70 percent of women need more clitoral stimulation to O during sex — so reach down and touch yourself during the deed!

You feel in control of your O, and he’s super turned on. Win-win.

37. For a twist on missionary, lie on your back, and lift your legs up and over to one side as he enters you.

Raising your legs makes you supertight, and the angle of your hips means he’ll hit spots that rarely get TLC.

38. Get him to skip the in-and-out thrusts and, uh, stir with his penis instead.

He’ll stimulate every inch of you (motion of the ocean and all that…).

39. Sit on the edge of the washing machine, and wrap your legs around his waist as he enters you.

Helpful hint: The cotton cycle provides the strongest vibrations.

40. In reverse-cowgirl, lean back (instead of forward toward his feet).

It’s a primo G-spot angle for you and the illusion of a Kardashi-ass for him.

41. The no. 1 rule for a great blow job: Use your mouth (obvs!) and your hands.

Take the head in your mouth, and lick and swirl like you would a soft-serve cone. Mean while, use your hands to grip, squeeze, and stroke the length of his penis. Don’t keep up the same motion — variety of sensation is key!

42. Instead of pleasingeach other simultaneously during 69 (so hard to focus!), take turns.

One person goes to town, while the other groans and moans about how good it feels.

43. While he’s giving you oral, have him insert a finger or two and stroke your G-spot with a come-hither motion.

Internal and external stimulation boosts your orgasm chances.

44. Lube up!

Both you and your partner, before and/or during The Naughty. Almost 50 percent of women say lube makes it easier to orgasm. And forget the myth that it’s only for older women — all the cool kids are doing it!

45. If you have no cluewhether your partner’s dirty-talk meter is set to “a little naughty” or “downright filthy,” do a sneaky little test.

Ask, “What would you like me to do to you? Details, please.” And see what words he uses and how risqué he’s willing to get. Then follow his lead.

46. Usually get oral with your legs spread?

Intensify your O by stretching your legs straight out, stimulating the pelvic muscles you use to climax. It’s a crazy-good new way.

47. Gently hold his face still, tell him to stop moving, and let him simply receive your kisses for a minute.

That way, whether you like it slow or hot and heavy, he’ll know how to kiss you back.

48. Vintage Cosmo Tip, June 1972:

“All women should try for a little more variety … a little more shock value. put on a wig. or greet your man at the door with a martini in your hand and nothing on but high heels.”

Our 2015 road test: Naked except for black Manolos and a long blonde wig very unlike my curly brown hair, I was already three “test” martinis deep when I wobbled to the door and greeted R.M.P. (Reluctant Male Participant, aka my boyfriend of almost two years). First, he seemed surprised, then slightly scared. But with some R-rated coaxing, I could tell he was getting into it. After we had sex, he gave me puppy-dog eyes. “Can you take that wig off now?” “Nooo, this girl is fun, I like this girl!” I replied. Did I mention I’d had three martinis? “Wasn’t it hot cheating on your girlfriend with a blonde?” I asked. He shrugged and shook his head: “I missed my girlfriend.” Then we ordered burgers, and I kept my wig on while I ate mine.

49. Just started dating? Set the precedent and make sure you come first.

Women often focus on their guy’s orgasm and treat themselves as an afterthought. Since we’re all creatures of habit, doing the reverse pays off in the long run.

50. Ask him to trace his tongue over your thin-skinned spots: wrists, inner knees, behind your ears.

It’ll make you shiver.

51. While standing with your back against his chest, have him reach around and touch you so all you can see are his hands all over you.

Totally sexy.

52. Wrap your fingers in an “O” shape around the base of his shaft, and move them in tandem with your mouth.

Use lots of saliva to ease the movement, and he won’t be able to tell where your mouth ends and your hand begins. Gently cup his balls with your other hand and you’re golden.

53. Try the “commercial sex” game.

Start getting it on during the commercials of your favorite show, then untangle as soon as the show comes back. Sexy show? Copy their moves. As you graduate from makeouts to oral to intercourse (and back?), the teasing will be out of control.

54. Keep your dress on or just push your underwear aside to have sex.

The immediacy of keeping clothes on is hot — like you can’t wait to have each other.

55. The hole at the tip of his penis is called the meatus, which is the worst name given to anything, ever.

Meatus! But it’s sensitive during arousal. With your tongue, apply medium pressure on and off. He’ll be shocked it feels so good!

56. When you’re close to climaxing, tighten and relax like you’re Kegeling.

This alone can sometimes trigger an O (and it feels amazing for a guy too).

57. The shower is made for the quickie.

The ideal position for you is bent over, aiming the showerhead at your hot spot while he’s doing his thing from behind. No removable showerhead? Slick his fingers with shower gel, and have him reach around and give you pleasure.

58. Create a secret code that translates to sexytimes.

Maybe “get me a dirty martini” means “let’s blow this joint … and then each other.”

59. Remind yourself how much you turn him on.

Seeing his face as he’s lost in ecstasy — and realizing you’re making it happen — can be the push you need to cross the finish line.

60. Touch yourself — beneath your bath jets.

While watching Scandal, whatever works for you — to get to know what sensations do it for you. Are you into counterclockwise clitoral strokes? Nipple stimulation? Find out—then bring your favorite moves to your next sex.

61. Advanced blow-job move:

Twist your hand as you move your mouth up and down his shaft like you’re tracing the grooves of a corkscrew, and slide it over his tip each time you get to it. He’ll worship you.

62. Want more oral and less jackhammer but can’t seem to say so?

Start out with a sext. Type “I can’t stop thinking about your mouth on me tonight,” throw in a kiss emoji, and hit Send. The message will be received.

63. Bring a bullet vibrator to bed.

The Rabbit gets all the glory, but using a bullet vibe on your clit during doggy is a total game changer.

64. While pleasuring him with your mouth, bring his hand down to touch you.

Cover his fingers with yours so you can make sure his touches are exactly what you need to climax. It’ll arouse him even more to see you taking control of his movements.

65. Lead with a compliment.

Say “I love the way you…” before suggesting a new move (“it would turn me on so much if you used your fingers like this…”).

66. Turn up the tease factor by letting him enter you for a hot second, then going straight back into your foreplay of choice.

Think of it as giving him a taste of the main course during cocktail hour. It’ll leave him hungry — no, salivating — for more.

67. Get sex on the brain by reading a steamy book before a date.

You’ll feel more sensual during the deed as you visualize a hot story line. And he never has to know!

68. Have your guy scribble down a “menu” of the top three moves that drive him crazy, and you do the same.

Then swap lists, and take turns serving up the goods à la carte!

69. Perfect your striptease.

Stage an entrance from another room, take a sensual walk around him, and slowly shed a slip to reveal a corset. (Or a thong and nipple tassels! Whatever’s your jam.) By the time you finally straddle him, you’ll both be raring to go. P.S. Leave on your heels for extra sass.

70. Switching hot and cold sensations feels amazing for him during oral.

If you’re not into the ol’ ice-cube-in-the-cheek trick, try alternating oral with drinking something cold or warm. Even easier: Lightly blow air over him after having had him in your mouth.

71. Vintage Cosmo Tip, March 1989:

“Unleash your imagination: you might drive down to the local lovers’ lane like teenagers or swap houses with a friend and make love in her bedroom.”

Our 2015 road test: We didn’t go to lovers’ lane because where even is that, but non-bedroom sex is one of those things I always mean to do but never get around to. I finally got around to it — although we kept it low-key and only ventured as far as the desk. Funny thing about adulthood: Spontaneous desk sex is hot, but clearing the desk beforehand in order to avoid any postcoital broken tchotchkes or destroyed tea rose arrangements is not. Ditto when R.M.P. paused the action to put a pillow under my back. Ultimately, the desk lends itself best to doggy-style — but R.M.P. and I did thoroughly enjoy giving the bed a break.

72. A great gizmo for scoring some dual pleasure?

A vibrating penis ring. Your guy will enjoy a soft vibration on his shaft while you get bonus targeted clitoral stimulation with each of his thrusts. It also helps guys achieve fuller, harder erections.

73. Long-distance?

Send him a care package for his … package. Fill a box with some sexy new lingerie, lube, and maybe a sex toy, and send it to his front door with this note: “We’ll need this on my next visit.”

74. Not being “allowed” to make any noise during sex can be a huge turn-on, especially when something feels so good, you just want to express it!

Try this for a spin: Stuff your thong or his tie into his mouth, then do dirty, dirty things to him until he’s digging his nails into his palms to keep from ripping that gag out.

75. A great couple habit to get into is to kiss every day — for more than just a couple of seconds.

It wards off the perilous roommate effect, especially if you live together and lately have been spending more time doing chores together than checking each other out.

76. Getting busy in a public place is a huge risk, thereby doubling the wattage of your hot rendezvous.

Your best bet to pulling it off is to keep your clothes on (wear a skirt and no undies for easier access) and do it in a place where you’ll hear someone coming, like in the middle of a stairwell — the footsteps on the stairs will tip you off that it’s time to get moving before you get caught.

77. The cherry on top when it comes to an amazing BJ? Eye contact.

Give a wink or some smize action, and he’ll be putty in your … mouth.

78. Put a pillow or two under your butt to elevate your hips during missionary sex — and up the odds of his hitting your G-spot.

This will change your life, we swear.

79. For ladies only:

Have your partner lie on her side, propping herself up on her elbow, and straddle one of her legs so your clits rub together, all the while making eye contact. Grind on. Scissoring’s a classic for a reason.

80. Vintage Cosmo Tip, October 2002: “Check your inhibitions at the door, and watch each other while touching yourselves.”

Our 2015 road test: Now that R.M.P. and I have been banging on the regs for a while, like many long-term couples, our orgasms are pretty wham-bam-let’s-watch-Netflix. We rarely take the time to stop and smell the sex roses, and thanks to the logistics of our favorite respective positions, we rarely see each other’s O faces. Sitting on opposite edges of the bed, me with my fave bullet vibe, him with just his hand, felt pretty voyeuristic — in a hot way — and I definitely felt closer to him afterward.

81. Lest we (and he) forget, the clitoris extends down our labia in the shape of a wishbone. So he should lick or stroke the labia — not just the clit — while he’s down there.

Hell-O!

82. After a shower, get him to take you from behind while you’re leaning over the bathroom sink and looking at your hot, wet self in the fogged-up mirror.

You’ll get a front-row view to all the seriously hot action and none of the stress of filming it. Nice!

83. Ask him first, but if he gives you the green light, hold a small vibrator against the underside of his shaft or on his perineum.

That’s the super nerve-packed area that lies between his balls and his butt — while you’re going down on him. Start the action off with your vibe’s lowest setting and then slowly increase the intensity as his arousal grows.

Buen Appetit!!!!!

HOW TO FIND YOUR PURPOSE IN LIFE

Are you struggling to discover your purpose? That may be because you feel isolated from other people. Here’s how you can overcome that.

 

Do you have a sense of purpose?

For decades, psychologists have studied how long-term, meaningful goals develop over the span of our lives. The goals that foster a sense of purpose are ones that can potentially change the lives of other people, like launching an organization, researching disease, or teaching kids to read.

Indeed, a sense of purpose appears to have evolved in humans so that we can accomplish big things together—which may be why it’s associated with better physical and mental health. Purpose is adaptive, in an evolutionary sense. It helps both individuals and the species to survive.

Meet the Greater Good Toolkit
From the GGSC to your bookshelf: 30 science-backed tools for well-being.

Many seem to believe that purpose arises from your special gifts and sets you apart from other people—but that’s only part of the truth. It also grows from our connection to others, which is why a crisis of purpose is often a symptom of isolation. Once you find your path, you’ll almost certainly find others traveling along with you, hoping to reach the same destination—a community.

Here are six ways to overcome isolation and discover your purpose in life.

1. Read

Reading connects us to people we’ll never know, across time and space—an experience that research says is linked to a sense of meaning and purpose. (Note: “Meaning” and “purpose” are related but separate social-scientific constructs. Purpose is a part of meaning; meaning is a much broader concept that usually also includes value, efficacy, and self-worth.)

In a 2010 paper, for example, Leslie Francis studied a group of nearly 26,000 teenagers throughout England and Wales—and found that those who read the Bible more tended to have a stronger sense of purpose. Secular reading seems to make a difference, as well. In a survey of empirical studies, Raymond A. Mar and colleagues found a link between reading poetry and fiction and a sense of purpose among adolescents.

“Reading fiction might allow adolescents to reason about the whole lives of characters, giving them specific insight into an entire lifespan without having to have fully lived most of their own lives,” they suggest. By seeing purpose in the lives of other people, teens are more likely to see it in their own lives. In this sense, purpose is an act of the imagination.

Many people I interviewed for this article mentioned pivotal books or ideas they found in books.

The writing of historian W.E.B. Du Bois pushed social-justice activist Art McGee to embrace a specific vision of African-American identity and liberation. Journalist Michael Stoll found inspiration in the “social responsibility theory of journalism,” which he read about at Stanford University. “Basically, reporters and editors have not just the ability but also the duty to improve their community by being independent arbiters of problems that need solving,” he says. “It’s been my professional North Star ever since.” Spurred by this idea, Michael went on to launch an award-winning nonprofit news agency called The San Francisco Public Press.

So, if you’re feeling a crisis of purpose in your life, go to the bookstore or library or university. Find books that matter to you—and they might help you to see what matters in your own life.

2. Turn hurts into healing for others

  • JOIN THE PURPOSE CHALLENGE

    Want to help high schoolers find purpose? The GGSC’s Purpose Challenge for students, educators, and parents incorporates cutting-edge science into videos and interactive exercises. Students can get help with their college essay and win up to $25,000 in scholarship money.

Of course, finding purpose is not just an intellectual pursuit; it’s something we need to feel. That’s why it can grow out of suffering, both our own and others’.

Kezia Willingham was raised in poverty in Corvallis, Oregon, her family riven by domestic violence. “No one at school intervened or helped or supported my mother, myself, or my brother when I was growing up poor, ashamed, and sure that my existence was a mistake,” she says. “I was running the streets, skipping school, having sex with strangers, and abusing every drug I could get my hands on.”

When she was 16, Kezia enrolled at an alternative high school that “led me to believe I had options and a path out of poverty.” She made her way to college and was especially “drawn to the kids with ‘issues’”—kids like the one she had once been. She says:

I want the kids out there who grew up like me, to know they have futures ahead of them. I want them to know they are smart, even if they may not meet state academic standards. I want them to know that they are just as good and valuable as any other human who happens to be born into more privileged circumstances. Because they are. And there are so damn many messages telling them otherwise.

Sometimes, another person’s pain can lead us to purpose. When Christopher Pepper was a senior in high school, a “trembling, tearful friend” told him that she had been raped by a classmate. “I comforted as well as I could, and left that conversation vowing that I would do something to keep this from happening to others,” says Christopher. He kept that promise by becoming a Peer Rape Educator in college—and then a sex educator in San Francisco public schools.

Why do people like Kezia and Christopher seem to find purpose in suffering—while others are crushed by it? Part of the answer, as we’ll see next, might have to do with the emotions and behaviors we cultivate in ourselves.

3. Cultivate awe, gratitude, and altruism

Certain emotions and behaviorsthat promote health and well-being can also foster a sense of purpose—specifically, awe, gratitude, and altruism.

Several studies conducted by the Greater Good Science Center’s Dacher Keltner have shown that the experience of awe makes usfeel connected to something larger than ourselves—and so can provide the emotional foundation for a sense of purpose.

Of course, awe all by itself won’t give you a purpose in life. It’s not enough to just feel like you’re a small part of something big; you also need to feel driven to make a positive impact on the world. That’s where gratitude and generosity come into play.

“It may seem counterintuitive to foster purpose by cultivating a grateful mindset, but it works,” writes psychologist Kendall Bronk, a leading expert on purpose. As research by William Damon, Robert Emmons, and others has found, children and adults who are able to count their blessings are much more likely to try to “contribute to the world beyond themselves.” This is probably because, if we can see how others make our world a better place, we’ll be more motivated to give something back.

Here we arrive at altruism. There’s little question, at this point, that helping others is associated with a meaningful, purposeful life. In one study, for example, Daryl Van Tongeren and colleagues found that people who engage in more altruistic behaviors, like volunteering or donating money, tend to have a greater sense of purpose in their lives.

Interestingly, gratitude and altruism seem to work together to generate meaning and purpose. In a second experiment, the researchers randomly assigned some participants to write letters of gratitude—and those people later reported a stronger sense of purpose. More recent work by Christina Karns and colleagues found that altruism and gratitude are neurologically linked, activating the same reward circuits in the brain.

4. Listen to what other people appreciate about you

Giving thanks can help you find your purpose. But you can also find purpose in what people thank you for.

Like Kezia Willingham, Shawn Taylor had a tough childhood—and he was also drawn to working with kids who had severe behavioral problems. Unlike her, however, he often felt like the work was a dead-end. “I thought I sucked at my chosen profession,” he says. Then, one day, a girl he’d worked with five years before contacted him.

“She detailed how I helped to change her life,” says Shawn—and she asked him to walk her down the aisle when she got married. Shawn hadn’t even thought about her, in all that time. “Something clicked and I knew this was my path. No specifics, but youth work was my purpose.”

The artists, writers, and musicians I interviewed often described how appreciation from others fueled their work. Dani Burlison never lacked a sense of purpose, and she toiled for years as a writer and social-justice activist in Santa Rosa, California. But when wildfires swept through her community, Dani discovered that her strengths were needed in a new way: “I’ve found that my networking and emergency response skills have been really helpful to my community, my students, and to firefighters!”

Although there is no research that directly explores how being thanked might fuel a sense of purpose, we do know that gratitude strengthens relationships—and those are often the source of our purpose, as many of these stories suggest.

5. Find and build community

As we see in Dani’s case, we can often find our sense of purpose in the people around us.

Many people told me about finding purpose in family. In tandem with his reading, Art McGee found purpose—working for social and racial justice—in “love and respect for my hardworking father,” he says. “Working people like him deserved so much better.”

Environmental and social-justice organizer Jodi Sugerman-Brozan feels driven “to leave the world in a better place than I found it.” Becoming a mom “strengthened that purpose (it’s going to be their world, and their kids’ world),” she says. It “definitely influences how I parent (wanting to raise anti-racist, feminist, radical kids who will want to continue the fight and be leaders).”

Of course, our kids may not embrace our purpose. Amber Cantorna was raised by purpose-driven parents who were right-wing Christians. “My mom had us involved in stuff all the time, all within that conservative Christian bubble,” she says. This family and community fueled a strong sense of purpose in Amber: “To be a good Christian and role model. To be a blessing to other people.”

The trouble is that this underlying purpose involved making other people more like them. When she came out as a lesbian at age 27, Amber’s family and community swiftly and suddenly cast her out. This triggered a deep crisis of purpose—one that she resolved by finding a new faith community “that helped shape me and gave me a sense of belonging,” she says.

Often, the nobility of our purpose reflects the company we keep. The purpose that came from Amber’s parents was based on exclusion, as she discovered. There was no place—and no purpose—for her in that community once she embraced an identity they couldn’t accept. A new sense of purpose came with the new community and identity she helped to build, of gay and lesbian Christians.

If you’re having trouble remembering your purpose, take a look at the people around you. What do you have in common with them? What are they trying to be? What impact do you see them having on the world? Is that impact a positive one? Can you join with them in making that impact? What do they need? Can you give it them?

If the answers to those questions don’t inspire you, then you might need to find a new community—and with that, a new purpose may come.

6. Tell your story

Purpose often arises from curiosity about your own life. What obstacles have you encountered? What strengths helped you to overcome them? How did other people help you? How did your strengths help make life better for others?Reading can help you find your purpose—but so can writing,

“We all have the ability to make a narrative out of our own lives,” says Emily Esfahani Smith, author of the 2017 book The Power of Meaning. “It gives us clarity on our own lives, how to understand ourselves, and gives us a framework that goes beyond the day-to-day and basically helps us make sense of our experiences.”

That’s why Amber Cantorna wrote her memoir, Refocusing My Family: Coming Out, Being Cast Out, and Discovering the True Love of God. At first depressed after losing everyone she loved, Amber soon discovered new strengths in herself—and she is using her book to help build a nonprofit organization called Beyond to support gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender Christians in their coming-out process.

One 2008 study found that those who see meaning and purpose in their lives are able to tell a story of change and growth, where they managed to overcome the obstacles they encountered. In other words, creating a narrative like Amber’s can help us to see our own strengths and how applying those strengths can make a difference in the world, which increases our sense of self-efficacy.

This is a valuable reflective process to all people, but Amber took it one step further, by publishing her autobiography and turning it into a tool for social change. Today, Amber’s purpose is to help people like her feel less alone.

“My sense of purpose has grown a lot with my desire to share my story—and the realization that so man.y other people have shared my journey.”

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